You know who you are? You're the two idiots what want your comics on the Internet...

When I'm not teaching kids the English, reading comic books, writing about comic books, solving crimes for Scotland Yard and hunting the wily and elusive wookalar, I'm thinking of comic book stories.  Comic book stories I half-assedly try to get into print by sending them to a single company, taking two years of silence as the rejection it is, then abandoning the idea entirely until it starts welling up inside me again, which I, in my advanced case of idiocy, assume means it's a story I simply must tell, somehow, someplace, to someone.

How wrong I am.  And yet I must.  Unless I prove too lazy, which is possible.  Drawing a comic is hard work.  It's easy for fools like myself to complain about them or mock them online.  But when you're making a comic you have to think about characterization, pacing, page design, story flow, anatomy, perspective, black spotting, mood.  All kinds of things that have to work in harmony so you don't end up with something embarrassing that people can hold against you while saying, "And you have the nerve to make fun publicly of Superblubber #987?  You ass!"

So here I am, once again threatening the world like some kind of pathetic super-villain.  I may or may not put my skills where my mouth is (or something like that) and show you what I can do.  I have the scripts, and I think they're neat.  They need an editor's tender touch.  That editor will have to be me.  They need an artist.  I'm okay with drawing single figures, or groups of figures doing absurd things as a single image, but I'm not so sure I can sustain storytelling panel after panel, page after page, with perspective and angles and all that good stuff.  I know what that takes and I'm not convinced I have it.  Sure, I could enlist an artist but that would entail nasty contractual matters and legal briefs and boxers and cheekys and thongs and possibly some sort of support girdle and who has the time?

As an artist myself, one who's been burned financially by people well-intentioned and otherwise, I'm not sure I want to involve someone else. I'm also not sure I can afford to commission someone or pay someone up front, which is how I'd prefer to handle it and there are too many horror stories of would-be comic book entrepreneurs ripping off naive young artists.  I've been the latter, not interested in becoming the former.  And should this story become popular enough to involve other media, how then to slice the pie?  How large a slice is equitable?  How can I not become Marvel to someone else's Jack Kirby?  We're talking a very large pie here.  Perhaps as large as the moon, metaphorically speaking.

So the artist will also be me.  While I'm no doubt incapable of doing the work, at least when it comes time to rip me off I'll have my laziness as a way to rationalize it.  "I'd deserve more of the money I earned for myself if only I'd worked harder."  Or something.  I'll be the penciller and the inker.  As well as the letterer, the colorist, the graphic designer and the publisher.

Publisher.  Which means finding a host service.  Is it best to reserve your own domain, or to sign on with one of those web comic hosts?  Those seem to go out of business too often for comfort.  The market for substandard web comics seems pretty well glutted at the moment, too.  Maybe online distribution isn't the way to go.  Would on-demand publishing or something Kindle-related be a better choice?  What I'm looking for is the way to reach the largest number of potential people to ignore my work.

But I advise you not to hold your breath waiting for this miracle of a comic book, this industry-changing phenomenon that will inspire a generation and lead to a new Siglo de Oro for pictorial literature.  I'm always brainstorming these ideas then running out of energy to make them so.

Also, I've just heard of the murder of the Lord and Lady Morley and must put aside dreams of glory to rush off with my intrepid partner Inspector Winship for the Morley mansion deep in the wilds of unexplored England...

Don Knotts Comics & Stories: A Comic Book Series Proposal!

This is what the world needs: a Dell-style comic book series devoted to beloved comedian Don Knotts. It should be an anthology book, too. Why an anthology? Because Don Knotts left us with a legacy of so many high-strung yet well-meaning characters, it's impossible to choose simply one as the focus.

And also because to match the genius of Knotts with the brilliance of this idea, we have to start with his signature portrayal. You know who I mean. After all, Knotts won 4 Emmys playing him!

Deputy Bernard Milton Fife. Or, occasionally, Barney P. Fife. Or even, in one memorable episode, Bernard Oliver Fife. Whatever his name, we can certainly call Barney Fife an incredible character, brilliantly played and certainly deserving of his own comic strip. That's why our lead feature is entitled "Andy and Barney," an 8- to 10-page strip, running bi-monthly. The main character is, of course, Knotts as Deputy Fife of Mayberry, North Carolina, with Andy Griffith's Sheriff Andy Taylor and the rest of the show's cast-- including Aunt Bee, Opie, Helen Crump, Floyd the barber, Otis the lovable alcoholic, Rafe Hollister, the Darlings and others in supporting roles.

As per the TV series The Andy Griffith Show, these stories revolve around Barney's overzealous attempts at enforcing the law, with Andy using his homespun wisdom and intelligence to restore order. In one script I've taken the liberty to prepare, Barney attempts to procure a stop light for Mayberry's main street, despite Andy's protests that not only isn't traffic heavy enough to warrant one, but also they don't even have an intersection. While trying to prove the necessity of his idea, Barney causes all sorts of traffic headaches, leading Andy to declare, "You beat everything, you know that?"

In another, Barney runs afoul of Ernest T. Bass and Andy is chosen by the town to referee a wrestling match between the two while also trying to prevent it from occurring in the first place!

The back-up stories would vary in length and in these, we'd showcase Knotts's other comedic characters-- Roy Fleming, the reluctant astronaut; Hollis Figg, the bumbling bookkeeper's assistant who constantly tangles with criminals; Dr. Jesse W. Hayward, the shakiest gun in the West; and Abner Audubon Peacock IV, the love god. If we can secure the rights, I'd love to also do some shorts featuring Tim Conway as Knotts's partner in crime, as it were.

On alternate months, when the lead doesn't run, the book would feature full-length adaptations of Don Knotts's many films, such as The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, The Incredible Mr. Limpet (I believe this was already adapted once and could simply be a reprint) and most especially-- the two Apple Dumpling Gang flicks (with Conway) and their 1981 classic, The Private Eyes. In fact, the latter might also become the lead after we've exhausted the rest of Knotts's filmography. The two characters, Inspector Winship and Dr. Tart, could easily sustain a variety of Les Aventures de Tintin-like stories, with occasional detours into horror around Halloween each year as they pursue the terrible Wookalar.


I recognize the licensing aspect of this series may be something of a deterrent to the more timid publishers. But a company with the derring-do to match my visionary creativity would jump at this idea, with me in charge-- editing and scripting-- and reap the vast profits. How about it, publishers? Any takers?