Flash Thompson reporting here, dudes. You know, I hate that punk, Peter Parker. He's a nerd, a geek and I have it good authority he smells like wheatcakes. Yeah, a couple of guys from the team were giving ol' Puny Parker a swirly and they said he totally smells like wheatcakes and maple syrup. He lives with a couple of creepy old people, too.
And if he doesn't stop messing around with Liz Allan, I'm gonna have to kick his puny ass for him. I don't know why she'd even give that science-geek the time of day when there are football superstuds of the gridiron, like yours truly, Flash Thompson, around. You know how many TD passes I had last season? Man, I was on fire.
Anyways, they're making another movie about my main broseph, the amazing Spider-Man and for some reason they're putting that little snot Puny Parker in it. Can't figure out why, but there you have it. As president of the Spider-Man Fan Club, it's incumbent upon me, Flash Thompson, to tell you about these things. The only question is, who will play Puny Parker?
Well, I suggest that old lady who used to do the "Where's the Beef?" commercials back in the 80s.
I saw one of those on Fox's Funniest TV Commercials of All-Time TV specials last week. She's got the look, the voice and the same wussy-ass presence about her, plus it'd be funny as hell to see the look on Puny Parker's face when he gets a load of her playing his part. Of course, she's probably dead by now. She was like a million years old back then. Or maybe they could get one of those skating babies from that bottled water commercial.
But no, they're maybe getting this guy Jim Sturgess to play Puny Parker. He's some kind of English kid who was in that musical Beatles movie a couple of years ago.
I was supposed to take Liz to see that but she said she had to study and the next thing I know, I ride by the library to see who with and it's Puny Parker! Man, I was so pissed.
I waited around to kick Parker's ass, but this alarm went off and the Lizard came out of nowhere right through a window and started tossing me around-- although I'm pretty sure I landed a couple of my patented Flash Thompson haymakers on his green, scaly face-- and then all these cops were running around and the next thing I knew, Spider-Man was saving my life but he left me all webbed up and hanging from the wall and it took all night for the cops and firefighters and stuff to get me down and I was like a zombie at football practice that next day and Coach made me run extra windsprints.
It sure was cool seeing Spidey, though. I'm sure if he'd known all the trouble I got in with Coach, he'd want to kick Puny Parker's ass, too. Maybe some of the guys and I will knock back some cold ones and go looking for Parker tonight. Liz says she's studying or something, so I got nothing better to do.
Jim Sturgess, huh? I wonder who they're gonna get to play me? I think they oughta get me to play myself. I mean, Brad Pitt was pretty close to my awesomeness in Troy, but he's an old man now. Almost as old as that "Where's the Beef?" lady.
Man, that shit cracks the Flashmeister up!
Your bro,
Flash Thompson
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