Thursday, January 31, 2013

Earth bombarded with gamma rays in the 8th century, widespread Hulkism resulted

Apparently, two black holes collided way back in the 8th century and showered our little planet with gamma rays.  That finally explains the thousands of over-sized and oddly-proportioned human skeletons archaeologists have found over the years after excavating cemeteries of that era.  After careful study, scientists now report these roughly 1200-year-old skeletons appeared to be from individuals suffering from some kind of intermittent gigantism, possibly triggered by rage or other stress factors.

"These findings are incredible," Dr. Jacob Kurtzberg of the Thousand Oaks Institute of Medieval Studies, said at a press conference early Thursday.

His colleage, Dr. Stanley M. Lieber, added, "Frankly, we marvel at this new understanding of a crucial era in the development of European culture.  For example, it was during this period we noted the use of larger stones in architecture.  Previously we assumed this was due to advances in technology, but now we think they might have been the result of good old-fashioned muscle power."

Kurtzberg and Lieber then agreed that such gamma ray-induced gigantism might have rendered the individuals' skin a strange, unearthly coloration, such as gray, red or even green.  The scientists added that further research would be needed, as well as finding more well-preserved bodies with skin and muscle tissue remaining.

"I would also expect that tissue to be denser, much denser, than that of contemporaries who were unaffected by the rays," Kurtzberg said before lighting a large cigar and returning to work.

Lieber remained at the press conference for several hours, regaling reporters with stories of how he, Kurtzberg and several other scientists, each of whom he identified with an inventive, sometimes rhyming nickname, pieced together the stories of these hulking medieval people and their lives before closing the event with an obscure Latin word.

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