Monday, August 31, 2009

Now Mickey Mouse is Spider-Man's Boss!

So now you know Disney will pay four billion dollars for Marvel and its 5000 or so characters. But you're no doubt worried about what this means for comic book fans. Have no fear and rest your weary head, True Believer! With the help of some of my inside operatives, I managed to... borrow... some of the internal memos from both companies regarding the impending sale and here's a sampling of what we can expect in the coming year:

1) The Avengers move their headquarters to a secret compartment within Cinderella's castle in the Magic Kingdom at Orlando's Walt Disney World Resort.

2) Kitty Pryde returns from space and, upset over his betraying her, replaces Lockheed the alien dragon with Elliott the invisible dragon.

3) A 12-part yearlong Kingdom Hearts-style crossover where Dr. Doom, Pegleg Pete and Cruella De Vil join forces against a heroic team led by Mickey Mouse, Spider-Man and Wolverine.

4) Wolverine becomes an actual anthropomorphic wolverine who loves to demonstrate clumsily how "everyman" copes with life's little problems or plays sports.

5) Hank Pym redesigns all the Audio-Animatronic figures in the Magic Kingdom in Janet van Dyne's image. Ultron immediately invades their circuitry but his inability to move at any kind of speed or with any kind of fluidity or grace allows Power Pack to defeat him easily.

6) Reed Richards replaces all the monorails with interstellar rockets. Resort guests frequently return from space grotesquely mutated; eventually Brian Michael Bendis reveals Richards intended this all along as part of a secret cabal of geniuses.

7) Storm, She Hulk, Invisible Woman, Spider-Woman, Xi'an Coy Manh and Dazzler join the Disney Princess line-up. Rahne Sinclair becomes their sidekick and endlessly combs their long, luxurious hair.

8) Peter Parker's new job? Cast member at Anaheim's Disneyland.

9) J. Jonah Jameson redesigned to resemble Uncle Walt closely in both looks and personality.

10) Entire Marvel universe replaced by cast of High School Musical. Comic book sales increase to early-1990s levels.


Pete Mullins said...

...and all new Marvel-based films will feature an Academy Award nominated song written by the latest hot Broadway Musical composer.

Joel Bryan said...



11) Audio-Animatronic figure of Stan Lee added to the Hall of Presidents.

12) Zach Efron and Vanessa Hudgens replace Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in Spider-Man 4, which is now a musical.