The Hopey Glass Guide to Good Loving and How to Get It

Hopey Leticia Glass is a legend in her hometown of Hoppers, California. Her list of sexual conquests makes Jude Law and Colin Farrell gnaw the insides of their mouths with envy. She's what the college boys used to call an "ace bird-dogger" back in the 1940s. I'm guessing they used terminology like that; I wasn't born until 1968 so what the hell do I know about college slang from a million years ago?

Look, the point is, you-- yes, you, Mr. and Ms. Lonelyhearts-- can learn a lot from Hopey. Why sit around, idly masturbating while waiting for the phone to ring when you can get out there and make things happen? Just take a few tips from La Hopita, as written and illustrated by Jaime Hernandez in his 1997 classic Maggie and Hopey Color Fun #1, soon to be reprinted sans color in Love and Rockets Library (Locas Book 4): Penny Century from Fantagraphics.

How does Hopey do it?

1. Set the stage. Identify your target. Begin flirtation. Make yourself useful in some way. For example, as Hopey demonstrates, it may be necessary in some cases to set yourself up as the positive alternative to some lesser choice. With ulterior motives, Hopey opens her bid for some sweet lovin' from the heterochromatic-eyed Janet Polo by pointing out what a mistake it'd be for her to marry a scumbag. In this case, the scumbag in question is Hopey's own little brother, Joey. Joey Glass's big flaw? Being as big a horn-dog as his sister Hopey.

2. Direct approach. Flirting is fine. However, the problem with most people is, they tend to shrink from contact, or are too shy to make their intentions truly known. Consequently, they confuse things with mixed signals and are quickly consigned to the dreaded "just friends" category. Yes, "just friends" is fine, a wonderful thing indeed, and Daffy Matsumoto would be happy to give you tips on being bestest pals with someone. But we're strictly talking hook-ups here, the physical, one-nighters, short term, long term, you name it. Gettin' it on. Doin' the wild thang. Good clean, natural, nekkid, dirty, nasty, filthy, perverted, degenerate fun. Sexual congress between consenting adults.

Hopey, holding an advanced degree in Love Doctorology, has long since conquered her fears and consistently favors the direct approach early in the flirtation stages. While cupping someone's breast and licking her face may not be for everyone, feel free to choose a method that works for you.

Especially note how Hopey stops when she realizes she's getting nowhere. Learn the signs of non-responsiveness before attempting this method. Unless you're as skilled as Hopey and use your perceptiveness to identify the correct stopping point, you may soon find yourself receiving a well deserved open-handed slap to the mouth. So develop advanced skills by practicing alone as often as possible.

3. Compliments. Hopey knows we all want to feel sexy and desired. And she further knows the best way to accomplish this is to drop a few sincere compliments into the conversation. The key word is sincere. Choose something you genuinely appreciate about your potential mate and let him or her know it. For some people, it's that special person's wit, intelligence, style or a laboriously developed skill such as playing the piano or dancing. For Hopey, it's awesome tits.

4. Reveal yourself. You know what goes a long way towards engendering sympathy and like-feelings? Telling personal secrets. In emergency situations, it can soften people's perceptions of you as possibly narcissistic or egotistical by adding a winning hint of vulnerability. And it helps bond you and your potential partner via shared experiences.

5. Enlist allies. Accept that you can't always do it alone. Talk your friends into helping you score. Are you gutsy enough to ask an ex-lover to help you get with someone new, as Hopey does here? If you are-- Damn, what do you need advice for? You should be teaching me!

6. Beg. Sometimes you have to grovel. It's best not to beg the person you're interested in. No, instead, take a cue from Hopey and use this tactic to convince those around you to aid your cause. When it comes to matters of love or sex, there's no shame in begging.

7. Be persistent. Stalking isn't cool, but persistence is. Don't just give up and walk away with slumped shoulders the first time someone snubs you. Some people like to play hard to get, and some people simply don't recognize your winning qualities right away. You have to sell yourself a little. Make yourself available, physically and emotionally. Know when to push, know when to back off. And yes, sometimes, you must know when to quit. Few people will flat-out tell you "No!" because they don't want to hurt your feelings, so it's up to you to learn when no is strictly implied and escape with your dignity-- and clean legal record-- intact. Hopey is a love artiste on a par with James Bond and Madonna, with a psychologist's keen understanding of the human mind and sexual behaviors. With hard work, you can be, too!

8. Keep trying. You got the final brush off, huh? Even super-studs like Hopey fail on occasion, as seen here. But Hopey knows-- and now you do, too-- love is a numbers game. The more often you play, the greater your odds of winning. So do what Hopey does: hit on anything or anyone that strikes your fancy. And if he or she says no, shake it off and move on to the next person. Never give up, never let rejection get you down.

And win one for the Hopester!