Ursula X.X. Imada: Motherhood Hall of Fame Inductee for 2512!

Steve Rude, Nexus #4 (Capital, Nov. 1983)

There are mothers and moms and mamas and mommies, but there's only one Ursula X.X. Imada, former Attorney General for the Cohesive Web, architect, ace spy, assassin, ambassador, prophet of the Elvonic Brotherhood religion and ruler of the planet Procyon.  Also single mother, not the least of her roles.

Being a mother isn't an easy job under the best of circumstances. But here's a woman of power, with a demanding career occasionally involving the possible black hole death of as many as 400 billion people, yet also devoted to her children.  As mother to the twin daughters of Horatio Hellpop, otherwise known as Nexus, Ursula has developed many effective parenting techniques.  But then Scarlett and Sheena are special children with intelligence and abilities far beyond the norm.  Sheena, for example, is a telepath.  She always knows what Santa's bringing for Christmas, if the jolly ol' elf can maneuver his sleigh past her mother's planetary defenses and infiltrate the well-protected Castle Imada (Imada-jo).  Scarlett is a "fusionkaster" (that's fusion-based energy manipulator to you and me, Russ) with powers rivaling her famous father's.  If these two are to follow in their illustrious mother's political footsteps, they require more than the usual family dinners and ballet lessons.

Rude/Eric Shanower, Nexus #9 (First, Nov. 1985)

Let's look at some of Usula X.X. Imada's finest mommy moments.  We can learn a thing or two from her!

Ursula's first and foremost a proponent of being their for your children.  Being part of their lives.  Although her responsibilities and career as a power-seeker occupies a great deal of her time and concentration, Ursula X.X. Imada makes it a point to be part of her daughters’ lives.  When convenient, a physical presence.  This includes doing such things as canceling meetings with heads of state and personally breastfeeding (despite taking her own sweet time giving them names) the babes.  Yet always a spiritual or psychic one.  Even in her absence, she makes her influence felt by providing for their intellectual and emotional well-being.

Ursula's parenting techniques have their basis in education.  Rigorous education.  She has lofty expectations for her daughters' academic progress, sets standards high and demands they perform to the best of their abilities.  Special talents require special teachers.  As ruler of an entire planet, Ursula has massive resources upon which to draw.  This ensures she hires only the best tutors for individualized instruction.  While you may not have her deep pockets, do the best you can with what you have.  Remember:  when you skimp on your children's education now, you pay extra for it later.

Rude/Shanower, Nexus #15 (First, Dec. 1983)

She has seen to their early childhood education with staples such as various Earth-based and intergalactic languages, plus advanced Calculus, which both girls quickly master.  The need for a solid base in math and the sciences is obvious.  But languages play and important role in a child's development, especially if they are to read historical texts in the original languages; this allows the young mind to absorb information within its proper cultural context as some concepts do not translate into English, Japanese or Interlac.  Let's spy as Ursula discovers to her delight just how talented her twins are.  Hope she doesn't spot us!

Rude/John Nyberg, Nexus #27 (First, Dec. 1985)

Note here Ursula's use of praise.  Positive reinforcement plays a crucial role in developing your child's potential both in the classroom and without.  And here we see the arrival of one of the girls' instructors, the fusionkasting professional wrestler, martial artist and galaxy-famous chef and raconteur Judah Maccabee.  While she was skeptical of Judah due to his closeness with Hellpop, she allows him to stay because of his obvious expertise.  Ursula would counsel you not to neglect your children's physical development.

Rude/Nyberg, Nexus #27 (First, Dec. 1985)

The point is, while most public schools and even many private ones have an unfavorable teacher-student ratio, the individualized approach of a hands-on, live-in educator provides incalcuable benefits, even if the turnover rate at Castle Imada is comparatively much higher.  Managed correctly, however, even frequent changes in teachers can become lessons unto themselves, rather than a source of uncertainty.  Ursula's daughters thrive in such an environment, showing remarkable progress from an early age.  Could you, as a parent, do any less for your offspring?  Perish the thought!

Rude, Nexus #50 (First, Nov. 1988)

As you can see here, Ursula also believes in helping her daughters with their homework.  While their minds are certainly sponge-like and soak up knowledge, she likes give them a little squeeze now and then to see what they've absorbed.  Ursula takes an interest in what her offspring have to say, and you should do the same with yours as well.  They may surprise you!  This can also be useful in gauging whether or not they're becoming fluent in your philosophy of the application of political and personal power.  Or if they've overheard someone plotting against you.

Jackson Guice/Nyberg, Nexus #32 (First, May 1987)

This next lesson might be the most controversial.  At the same time, Ursula isn't afraid to resort to corporal punishment.  Ursula demonstrates proper technique in this sequence.  Obviously in today's touchy-feely, anything-goes society, a good open-handed blow to the face has lost its currency.  Indeed, many so-called experts baldly state one should never strike a child.  Ursula believes this is still one of the most effective ways a caring parent can make her point.  Just make sure you follow up with an instructive word or two so the punctuating effect of a good slap isn't lost.  It's not that you want to weed out their violent impulses; it's that you want to aim them at the correct targets.  Violence without direction is simply chaos, and that will never do.

Guice/Nyberg, Nexus #32 (First, May 1987)

As Ursula demonstrates, in the aftermath of such punishment, it's further effective to reinforce the closeness of the family unit.  Embrace your children.  This is the "carrot" to the slap's "stick."  Some may decry this as sending mixed signals, resulting in emotional confusion.  Nonsense, Ursula replies.  And if so, sometimes this is necessary lest the children become complacent.  Complacency is also your enemy, along with those standing in the way on your path to absolute rule over a solar system or two.

Ursula also shares words of wisdom before she she offers the group hug.  When one child is a telepath-- even one as powerful as Sheena-- she may feel overshadowed by sister, who draws her abilities from the heart of a star.  Still, as the instigator of this incident, she must still fulfill her sisterly obligations to share.  As Ursula often observes, "Sharing is caring, if I say it is."  Or she would, if she used simple-minded rhyming aphorisms like some sort of nightclub hilariator.

This comes immediately after her sacking of the aforementioned Judah Maccabee.  Ursula will quickly fire recalcitrant or neglectful teachers, even one as highly credentialed as the famed Thune.  As always, the children come first unless there's some vital plot afoot that requires they come second.  Ursula belives instructors, although ostensibly part of the household, should also refrain from involving themselves in family matters unless otherwised asked, under pain of death.  Certain Thunes, who may prove especially troublesome, destructive or useful at a later time, may be exempt from the punitive clauses contained in their contracts.  In these cases, a simple sacking will suffice.  If the employee in question is a simple human, such as the unfortunate Lonnie Loomis, who succeeded Judah as tutor a few years later, one might resort to torture before dismissal.  Either way, like Ursula, do not be afraid to pull the plug!

Spyder/Bob Dvorak, Nexus #56 (First, May 1989)

How many times now have we seen Ursula embrace the girls?  I count three, but these are by no means the only times.  One must assume life goes on even when the story focus shifts from Procyon to Mars or Ylum, or the Bowl-Shaped World.  Hug, hug, hug.  Learn from Ursula's example and do not refrain from open expressions of love, even if the children have been up to mischief, such as stealing a starcraft, navigating it across the galaxy to visit (or save) their father and immolating his enemies with fusion energy.  Reserve the right to punish later and maintain a decisive front.  Children respond well to consistency.  Indeed, they crave it.  But by all means, hug them!  You may also use this moment to feel for communication devices secreted on their persons, or for hidden weapons.  Forewarned is forearmed.

Pet names or other forms of endearment not only make the child feel loved, but may also stimulate his or her own imagination to come up with similar nicknames for the rest of the family.  Here's as especially instructive example.

Mark Heike/Jeff Albrecht, Nexus #69 (First, June, 1990)

Ursula knows it’s through her actions she is most influential on the girls.  This is vital to her parenting philosophy.  Therefore, as in all things, she is quite deliberate in her parental interactions.  She maintains a pose of dignity and control at all times.  Lessers, such as employees, lower-ranking colleagues, servants and those to be tortured or executed, are kept at a respectful distance.  When enforcing her admittedly harsh laws, Ursula pursues her form of jurisprudence with great vigor and force.  Ursula makes sure Scarlett and Sheena have some knowledge of this as a lesson in proper tyrannical behavior.  On a related not, she was also not shy in their early years about letting them know their father's vocation, assassin of mass murderers.

Always remember, your success or failure as a parent will determine whether or not your children become lazy Mezz fanatics, wasting themselves and their lives in some sort of musical caravan forever in pursuit of cheap thrills, or largely benevolent dictators of adoring millions ready to accept the harshest of rule.  It's all up to you, the parent.  But by studying these examples of super-mom Ursula X.X. Imada and emulating her whenever possible, you, too, might become an award winner!

"Sengoku Batman:" Great Batman or GREATEST Batman?

I snagged this from TokyoPop's Facebook feed.  It's Sengoku Batman by Scott Wade.  DC needs to snag this concept and put it into production like yesterday, with Wade handling the art.  This is my favorite Batman since the Batman the Animated Series version, which I liked because of the sweet Bruce Timm designs and the Denny O'Neil-inspired characterization of Batman.  More human than the one in the comics and a lot more likable.

Sengoku, in case you don't know, is a Japanese word meaning the "Warring States period."  This was the nearly 200-year era starting with Hojo Soun and ending with the three unifiers Nobunaga Oda, Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Tokugawa Ieyasu, a time of high drama when various warlords vied to forge Japan into a single nation rather than a lot of fiefdoms or domains, and invaded Korea twice.  Lots of great stories from that time, plenty of intrigue, schemes, betrayals, set-piece battles and bold personalities.  This Batman would fit right in there.

Yes.  It's good!

The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans, or "When Dudes in Their Underwear Shake Hands"

Fresh off the The X-Men and the Micronauts debacle, here's a team up more to my liking.  It's the Marvel and DC presentation of The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans (September, 1982), a fat, slick beauty of a book.  This is the pivotal moment where both teams gather with counterparts from each conveniently facing off, or grasping hands in greeting.  Well, the Raven/Wolverine moment isn't exactly a meeting of similar characters, but you get the idea.

Kitty's body is playing it smart even if her mind is unfortunately letting her down.  We need to trust our bodies more.  Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us, but the body is always honest.  In this case, Kitty is right to hide behind Colossus rather than approach Changeling.  That green freak would only make some clumsy sexual advance, and then keep it up non-stop, transforming into snakes and octopi while groping her.  And no one on either team would raise a hand to stop the little pervert.  Probably has his erect penis poking out of his waistband-- Changeling's idea of "playful flirtation"-- which is why artist Walt Simonson chose to hide the kid's crotch behind Starfire's hair.

I haven't read this in a while, but I remember it being an effective meshing of both teams' continuity, with Cyclops having to deal with the heartbreak of seeing his beloved Jean Grey resurrected in her evil Dark Phoenix form and Darkseid teaming up with Deathstroke the Terminator to kick the snot out of both teams.  As you can see from the dialogue and thought balloons in this image, it features Chris Claremont at the height of his powers doing a bang-up job capturing the essence of all the cross-company characters, throwing in little references to past events, showing his encyclopedic knowledge of then-current comic books.

You know, sort of how he was always name-dropping the good ones in Uncanny X-Men or having minor characters that parodied Cerebus the Aardvark or whatnot.  That stuff always made me feel I wasn't wasting my time reading comics, that they really were the intellectually stimulating yet action-filled pieces of sequential literature we always claimed them to be.

While I can't remember all the story details, I do know Claremont, Simonson and inker Terry Austin knocked me right out with this book when I was 14 and a fan of both teams.  It was perfection, just everything I wanted in a team-up of Teen Titans and Uncanny X-Men.  The epic climax with Dark Phoenix showing up and sacrificing herself for love (I believe) and then the denouement with all the players kind of hanging out in their civilian clothes left me feeling for Cyclops in a wistful sort of way for a couple of hours, but I read it ten to twenty times in two days and that kind of spoiled the mood.  I still have it, along with a run of the original "Dark Phoenix" issues of Uncanny.  I should re-read this comic and see if it holds up better than The X-Men and the Micronauts.

It should.  Although Changeling is probably twice the degenerate the Entity is any day of the week.

"The Things We Think and Say Too Much" by Jerry Macomicbookdork

Allow me to wax semi-seriously here for a moment.  This morning I had an epiphany and decided to write this mission statement, just like that jackass in that movie.  Whenever I write something about vintage comics, I tend to get more readers.  Whenever I write about Cassandra Cain people go crazy with the hits.  Whenever I do something silly like post sketches or photo essays, people ignore the heck out of it.

Actually, I'm pretty sure the world at large couldn't care less what I have to say about any of those topics, or my beyond stupid takes on whatever controversy is a-brewing in comics fandom this week.  Or, as if often the case here at When Comic Books Ruled the Earth, last week because I live in Japan and while my toilet is so advanced it would confuse Luke Skywalker, my American comic book news is forever behind the times.  But I think I can do a better job of "branding" this blog if I focus on a single area of idiocy.

So I've decided to re-dedicate this lousy blog to covering old comics.  To indulging fully my obsessions with EC, Warren, Dell, Gold Key, Marvel and DC from the 60s through the 80s, the original run of Love and Rockets, obscure characters like Cindy Lee and anything else I feel falls within the category of "so old hardly anyone under the age of 40 cares anymore."

And even though my job keeps me so busy I barely have time to write this one blog, much less the one I also have about living in Japan, I have to also give into my impluse to write extensively about Cassandra Cain.  Because I'm a staunch supporter of that character as well.  To that end, I'm going to spin off a dedicated Cass blog where-- as soon as I think of a name-- I'll be spouting Batgirl/Blackbat related nonsense whenever it comes to mind, dropping little sketches and generally clowning around with everyone's favorite reformed murderer-turned hero-turned murderer-turned hero-turned nothing.

So to you, dedicated reader of When Comic Books Ruled the Earth, expect lots more on Cindy Lee, Slug from Micronauts, random flights of fancy based on single lines of dialogue in comic books decades old and nearly forgotten, plus the occasional link to Saturday morning superhero shows whenever I find them on YouTube.

And to you, my beloved fellow travelers in the fandom that dare not speak her name-- Cass (I dared)-- look for another blog to debut soon and swiftly become as obscure and ignored as this one!

Excelsior!

Cindy Lee really digs pyramids!

It's the summer of that Bicentennial year, 1976, and high school student Cindy Lee is much like her classmates.  The other girls at Larkspur High adore America, their families and friends, Leif Garrett, the "Wings Over America" concert tour and Welcome Back, Kotter.  Cindy's friend Belinda is confused by her own day-dreamy fascination with Kristy McNichol ("She's just so... so... NEAT!"), but she never misses an episode of ABC's Family.  An outgoing, involved student and all-around nice person, Cindy shares her friends' love for all the mundane cultural clutter so common in this, the final year of the Gerald Ford presidency, the year of the first Ramones album, punk rock and malaise still months away.  But there's another not-so-little something that makes Cindy's youthful heart quicken.  Something that thrills her apart from all the pop stars and TV shows that otherwise occupy her friends and dominate as topic of lunch time conversation in the Larkspur cafeteria.

Something she is not shy about sharing with anyone and everyone within earshot.

Pyramids!  Specifically, Egyptian pyramids rather than the Aztec versions (although she approves of those in a diffused sort of way).  Cindy Lee is absolutely nuts about Egyptian pyramids.  She goes for them majorly.  The kid can't get enough.

It started in kindergarten after she read an article in National Geographic magazine about the building of the Great Pyramids of Giza.  She began dreaming of them, of the powers of the pharaohs who commissioned them, their inner passageways and burial chambers, the heavy limestone blocks making up their outer shells.  While she finds each charming, Cindy has her favorite.  She imagines most would prefer the largest of the pyramids, the one commissioned by the Pharaoh Khufu.  But Cindy, unpretentious herself, favors the Red Pyramid of Pharaoh Snefru.  Its smaller size and sleek acute angles appeal to her, this girl without ostentation, who keeps her hair in simple ponytails.

But just as Snefru and his builders had to struggle with geometry before achieving perfection, Cindy's faced her own resistance.  Not the difficulties of experimentation with new forms of architecture and construction techniques:  the concern and disapproval of authority figures and loved ones.  At one point in third grade, Cindy wrote so many reports about pyramids her teachers had to call a special meeting with her parents to find out if their daughter hadn't cracked from academic stress.  No, they discovered to their amazement, she was just a fan of pyramids.  Declaring it to be just a passing phase in need of a small push out the door-- although her mother expressed the hope Cindy might grow up to become an archaeologist-- the adults asked her occasionally to write about other topics.  Ever the dutiful scholar and daughter, Cindy reluctantly obeyed.  It made her a little sad, and her writing assignments more of a chore.  The well-intentioned adults had temporarily dampened the girl's enthusiasm for her studies and school was no longer quite so fun.  Her marks dipped, just a little.

Indomitably cheerful girl that she is, she could only contain her pro-pyramid exuberance for so long.  A few weeks later and her grades began to climb again.  As we can see in DC's The Mighty Isis #1 (October-November, 1976), as a teen, Cindy Lee allows it full flower and such is her enthusiasm for pyramids even the emergence of a dangerous magical freak calling himself Scarab from inside one can't dampen Cindy's spirits.

Pumped with adrenaline at having witnessed the magical attack in close proximity to an actual ancient pyramid that has somehow been stolen from its rightful place in the Egyptian desert in contravention of all international laws regarding the trafficking of valuable artifacts and architecture, Cindy runs to find her teacher, Andrea Thomas, the "dual person" also known as the goddess Isis, to share her excitement.

The dastardly Scarab attempts to conquer the United States and force its government to declare war on France and the United Kingdom to satisfy his lust for destruction, but the heroic Isis is having none of it.  Cindy Lee finds herself happily involved in the goddess' eventual triumph over evil by supplying her with informative books on magic and pyramid power, books Cindy herself has frequently checked out of the library as evidenced by the multiple stamps on the due date slip inside their front covers.  With Scarab dispatched by the very pyramid he arrived in, Isis returns to the school and resumes her civilian identity only to encounter a breathless Cindy Lee, who asks the deathless question, "You took the books to Isis, Andrea?"

Be not shocked by Cindy's casual familiarity with her elders!  She wouldn't dream of being cheeky or impertinent.  In the mid-1970s, teachers at Larkspur High used such relaxed relationships to build trust with their students, to "rap" with them and learn what "made them tick," to use the vernacular of youth.  Cindy, as Ms. Thomas's protege and favored pupil, certainly would warrant such privilege.

Throughout the story, Cindy functions as a kind of Greek chorus, popping up here and there to comment on the action and provide much-needed expository dialogue and such random questions for which the answers should be obvious to all.  This is a vital function for one so young to fulfill.  But don't think of Cindy Lee as merely a pyramid-minded teen with the uncanny ability to show up wherever her sideline commentary may be necessary.  No, that would be a grave mistake.  The Scarab has already suffered from such assumptions, though he may never know of it.  Because, as we learn from The Mighty Isis #6 (August-September, 1977), she's also an expert on affairs of the heart.

It may be strange to you to think of one so young and ostensibly inexperienced providing advice to Rick Mason, decades her senior, yet another teacher who permits Cindy to address him by his given name.  But the faculty and staff at Larkspur High, being somewhat naive in these things no matter their advanced years, have come to trust Cindy's superior insights and advice.  And if she gushes a bit more than is seemly about both Isis and pyramids-- the one black mark on her permanent record a reprimand for doing an impromptu dance move and loudly singing, "PYRAMID POWER-- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!" coming out of the gym after P.E. class-- they're more than willing to put up with these quirks if it means smoothing the path to true love.

Pyramids and love advice.  And also The Banana Splits Adventure Hour show.  These are the things Cindy Lee adores.  Cubes and Greco-Roman architecture.  These are the things that fill her with disgust.  She once abruptly ended a date with Lee Webster when he made the mistake of praising the Parthenon.  Poor guy foolishly, yet understandably, thought it would impress her.

This is all we know of Cindy Lee, and some of it has been extrapolated from partial records.  Further information is difficult to glean.  But I have learned the following:  Cindy (portrayed winningly by the completely awesome Joanna Pang)  has her origins in the Filmation-produced Isis and/or The Secrets of Isis live-action Saturday morning TV show.  Filmation introduced in the series' premiere episode, "The Lights of Mystery Mountain," which aired in the fall of 1975.  A full year later, DC brought the character into their comic narrative via a crossover in Shazam, vol. 1 #25 (October, 1976), where she was menaced by falling building materials on both the comic's cover and interior story.  For some reason, artist Kurt Schaffenberger and the anonymous cover colorist have white-washed her into a generic strawberry blonde.

Jeez.  Right on the cover!  She makes the cover for her inaugural adventure and they botch it.  I'm guessing at the time DC considered her too insignificant to bother consulting the source material for a more accurate portrayal.  Fortunately, the later, more conscientious writers and artists of The Mighty Isis #1-- none other than legendary talents Denny O'Neil(!!), Ric Estrada and Wally Wood(!!!)-- made incredibly precise efforts to match their comic book version with Pang's video appearance and performance, thus giving DC a show-accurate Cindy subsequent creative teams were contractually obligated to match under pain of immediate dismissal and blacklisting from the industry for life.  I assume.  No, that's too harsh.  They probably wouldn't have been allowed the last jelly doughnut in the DC break room.  Sadly, later developments consigned Cindy, her world along with everyone she ever knew and loved to non-existence following the Crisis on Infinite Earths series... and she hasn't been heard of in comics since.

If you Cindy Lee fans out there would like to see her in the New 52 universe, perhaps you should send model pyramids to Dan Didio.  But leave my name out of it.  I like Cindy Lee a lot, but I ain't starting no revolution over this.  Plus I have no desire to see what horrors they'd force this wholesome minor character to endure in the name of appealing to today's audience of jaded hipsters and people who scorn pyramids.

It's Cass-Batmas in Japan already, and I haven't even started my shopping!

While Dan Didio recently replied, "Sure" when asked for the one millionth time if Cassandra Cain would re-appear in the ongoing DC universe narrative, it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon.  But we Cass fans are a never-say-die bunch of Quixotic fools, so we're doing something pro-active to hurry along that fabled day.  Yes, it's the Support Cass Campaign, a day of celebration and comic book purchasing, one that I hope will become an annual tradition and, eventually, a national holiday.

The idea is, on August 31st (today in Japan) you go to Comixology and buy Batgirl #1.  I think this is a marvelous-- er-- a DCelous idea.  As the old saying goes, "Money talks, bullshit (and waffles) walk."  I'm going to participate as soon as I get off work today if I can find my credit card.  I've already done a little bit to support Cass by staggering as a sweaty human wreck into Blister in Tokyo-- despite having the flu, as it turns out-- and paying a ridiculous amount for a battered copy of Batgirl:  Fists of Fury, a book I've bought twice before.  I've bought three goddamned copies of this thing, DC!  Do what I tell you!

Just kidding.  But not about the three copies.  I still own two copies of Fists of Fury.  One I gave to an EFL student at a previous job.  Share the epic goodness that is Cass, I always say.  Well, I sometimes say that.  Occasionally.  Rarely.  I just now typed it and it's the first time that sentence has ever crossed my mind.  I have a Fists of Fury at my mom's house back in the US and the new one on my shelf alongside all the Marvel, Dark Horse, Fantagraphics and IDW books I buy.  I'm proud of my little Fist of Fury book.  It's in good company.  It's the little book that could starring the little character who could, until someone, somewhere, deemed it necessary she could no longer.

Maybe she could again.  With her mom barely old enough to vote and her dad also missing in action (as far as I know), it might be a long wait.  But in the meantime, you'll have a digital copy of Batgirl #1 to remind you of the good old days, when she was silent and running and fisty and furious.  And a new holiday I call Cass-Batmas.

Which we should celebrate by not speaking for 24 hours, dressing all in black and kicking copious amounts of ass.  And... I don't know... maybe by spending time with loved ones, drinking eggnog, exchanging gifts and decorating a tree of some kind.  I can't think of any other holidays where we do such things, so that seems like a good idea to me.

Dani Moonstar and Baron Karza. I take care of both of 'em, which ain't easy, 'cuz when they met... it was moider!

For a moment, I had hope...

You'd probably expect something called The X-Men and the Micronauts (January-April 1984) to be a light romp, a bit on the silly side. After all, one group is known for its various underage members while the other is based on a toy line.  You'd also expect with Chris Claremont and Bill Mantlo handling the script it'd be a worthy reflection of their considerable writing talents.  Wrong, wrong and wrong.  It's a queasy slog through some fetishy set-pieces before it finally devolves into a ludicrous mess.

It starts pleasantly enough, with space opera.  Who doesn't love space opera?  The Micronauts lead a lot of clunky-looking spaceships into battle with an unknown invader with a starfleet of his own.  It turns out this mysterious enemy is so terrible our familiar characters, the Micronauts, have even joined forces with their recurring nemesis, Baron Karza.  Karza is a deposed tyrant, a mass-murderer, a thief of bodies and souls.  That his lifelong enemies have teamed up with him-- he's the lesser of two evils-- shows just how nasty a foe this mysterious invader truly is.

I truly did.

Who is this nefarious being, so terrible he causes the Micronauts to compromise years of anti-Karza activism?  The Entity.  With a name like the Entity you wonder why his parents didn't just call him the Being or the Guy.  No, he's the Entity and what the Entity is, is a maniacal mesomorph in a golden gladiator helmet.  He wreaks all this havoc simply because he gets off on it.  Not metaphorically, or in the sense he enjoys causing trouble for its own sake.  It sexually arouses him.  His male member becomes rigid.

Start with Storm.  Of course.

We know this because if there's one thing the Entity enjoys as much as destroying and enslaving, it's talking about destroying and enslaving.  He captures the Micronauts with ludicrous ease and straps them to rocks so he can tell them all about himself, his plans, and his desires.  He's like a celebrity who gives interviews where he can't shut up about his sexual encounters.  The Entity is so lascivious with his captive audience he doesn't stop blabbing about this stuff even when he finally notices Baron Karza.  Karza, being smarter than the Micronauts, takes that as his cue to get the hell out of Dodge.  He jumps in the Bioship, a living robot/spaceship and escapes.

Cut to... Earth.  It's the X-Mansion in Westchester, NY, and the X-Men are lounging about in various states of undress.  Storm poses in a bikini, Nightcrawler juggles because he's an ex-circus performer and Kitty Pryde complains about having to study while wearing only a top and a body suit.  Professor X and the New Mutants are hard at work in the Danger Room when Baron Karza pops in to say hello and borrow a cup of underwear.

That's when Dani Moonstar, with her new codename "Spellbinder," uses her powers on Karza and for her trouble gets beaten up by a toy.  Actually, her entire team loses to teensy-tiny Karza.  I know Karza is practically all-powerful within the framework of this narrative, but the sight of a miniscule figure manhandling normal sized teenagers illustrated in a semi-realistic/slightly heroically-exaggerated style is absolutely hilarious.  At this point you can almost forget the villain's motivation isn't anything so prosaic as conquest or revenge but sexual perversion.  Almost.  It's going to be rubbed in your face later, and considering the Entity's tastes in fun, if he had his way that would be literal.  He would literally rub his genitals in your face.  He no doubt does this to several of the characters in this story at various off-screen moments.

Like a mid-90s chatroom.

Where were we?  Oh yeah...  Karza beats up the New Mutants, fights the fully-grown X-Men to a stalemate, then switches bodies with Kitty Pryde for some reason.  Since he has mental powers enough to control both bodies, he keeps it a secret and Kitty spends most of the following three issues of The X-Men and the Micronauts being puppeted around by an evil dictator from another dimension.  Their personalities start to merge, too, so that Kitty slowly begins to enjoy acting out ruthlessly from inside her black armored prison and Karza, in her body, learns to say things like, "He has a point, Storm.  I... am kinda scared."

It turns out the Entity isn't just some sadistic cosmic outsider come to subjugate both super-teams for concupiscent kicks (thanks, Wallace Stevens).  He's the "evil side" of good ol' Professor X.  Not only is this convenient for involving the ever-popular X-Men in the story, but also Professor X's evil side likes to involve everyone around him in bondage scenarios.

When the idiotic interrupts the disturbing.

In the third issue, we get to see bearded, beefy Commander Rann simper before being killed and resurrected, then stammering, "T-thank you, Father!  I-I'll be good from now on!" while the Entity playfully strokes the poor bastard's chin.  Later in the same issue, Wolverine, in despair at being subjugated so thoroughly and comparing himself to an eager-to-please dog, attempts to murder his teammates then commit suicide as a means of escape.  And if Wolverine hasn't already made the point, formerly proud warrior-king Acroyear falls to his knees and details his similarly ambivalent reaction to complete emasculation while tears stream down his face.  I mean, if you love the idea of mind-controlled heroes fully aware of their debasement and endless pages of them bemoaning it as entertainment, then you’ve come to the right comic.  Okay, we get the point mind control is kind of invasive.  But the book drubs you with this concept to the point where it goes past that mark only to circle around to where the story really seems to be reveling in it.  I just wanted to read about the time Dani Moonstar fought a toy.  Have a few laughs with a little light-hearted entertainment.

But allow me share with you the two most magical moments of all.  

Halfway through this issue (wittily entitled "Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory!"), the Entity, after having dressed Kitty Pryde in some kind of chiffony harem girl outfit, attempts to seduce her.  He's even wearing a Hugh Hefner-style robe over his armor and has a snifter of fine liquor.  Courvoisier, perhaps?  Doesn't bother to take his helmet off, though.  I suppose knowing it’s Baron Karza’s thousand year old consciousness inside Kitty’s underage body makes it slightly less creepy—until you once again face the fact that the Entity is the dark id of her trusted mentor and teacher and thinks he's about to score with a teen.  This takes the power exchange to a new level of wrongness—really, you have to wonder just what the hell was going through the writers’ heads when they scripted this—because here, revealed for all to see, are Professor X’s secret fantasies.  This is the stuff that goes on in the recesses of his brilliant mind when it’s idling.  I’m sure we’ve all had passing inappropriate thoughts at one time or another.  That’s human.  This, however, is a comic that uses those micro-fancies as not only the fuel for its villain’s scheme, but also his existence.

Unfortunate implications, indeed.

This leads to a mind-boggling scene in #4 where the Entity, in the guise of his normal self Professor X, Dani's trusted mentor and the man her grandfather specifically chose to look out for her wellfare, literally orgasms Dani Moonstar into joining his ever-growing harem.

On panel.

That's all it takes:  a single super-duper psychic climax and the promise of more to come and Dani immediately tosses aside everything she believes in and the very person she was up until that moment.  Sure, there's mind control involved as well.  Gotta have a little of that for seasoning.  She's no longer herself, but there's no getting past that it comes as the result or some kind of side-effect of the sexual assault.  The new Dani wants more of this treatment, too.  Also note when Dani loses herself, she alone among her teammates doesn't put on her regular team uniform.  Everyone else turns evil but they keep their ordinary, non-evil fashion sense.  New, improved evil-Dani, on the other hand, decides to wear some variation on what's supposed to be Native American clothing.  I thought she was going for the Dani Pornstar look she sports in New Mutants #17 when she joins Illyana in Limbo and dons a torn deerskin halter top and ass-less chaps, but that book is cover-dated July, three months after this book.

Well, I don't know why she doesn't just put on her New Mutants uniform like the rest of the kids.  The story, which will belabor explanations at its end, doesn't see fit to spend any time telling us.  There may be a real-world reason, though.

The X-Men and Micronauts isn't the first mainstream superhero comic to fill itself with barely sublimated sexual subtext-- or text, in this case.  A more honest comic would actually acknowledge there's more to Professor X's duality than just some split-personality villainy that leaves his usual benign self blameless.  It would deal with Dani's mind-rape by her trusted teacher as something more than just an extra-sleazy way-- both in-story and, inadvertently, at the script level-- to add a layer of difficulty to the final battle. A better story would probably would just leave it out altogether since, as a plot detail, it's completely gratuitous.  After all, it wouldn't have been that difficult to simply have Entity-Professor X use his position of trust to talk Dani, Sam and the others into fighting the Micronauts.  But that wouldn't have been as decadently fun as involving Dani with a sex fiend, right?

Still, all the darkness and humiliation might be worth it if this story had anything interesting to say about betrayal of trust, loss of self or built towards some kind of revelatory moment.  But no such luck.

Why isn't she wearing her regular costume?

Mantlo and Claremont separately wrote some fantastic stories, which means it’s reasonable to assume together they’d work up some kind of synergistic magic.  Unfortunately, X-Men and Micronauts once again proves the old adage about making assumptions.  Have you ever been watching a Major League baseball game when a top pitcher uncorks something so wild you think, “Jesus, you actually have to be a pretty damn good athlete to throw something that erratic?”  Any fool can bounce one to the plate.  It takes a top flight hurler to wing something off at such a cock-eyed angle that leaves everyone goggling in disbelief.  This is the comic book equivalent of that kind of wild pitch, a misfire so wrong it could only have come from a couple of men working in such complete confidence of their mechanical writing skills no one thought to say, “Uh… no.”

Don't worry, Prof.  Not your fault, huh?

Essentially, after they’ve exhausted all the readers with these padded-out scenes of tops and bottoms, Mantlo and Claremont abruptly end it all with a song-and-dance number.  Arbitrary metaphysics and the ridiculous rules of comic book psychic warfare.  Oh, and a whole lot of body-switching plus some perfunctory fisticuffs-- Dani gets her ass whipped again, this time by a teensy-tiny Bug and Wolverine-- and then a sequence where Professor X and the Entity in their naked ghost forms writhe around in some nether region. Fortunately, for no discernable reason, while in the Microverse-- where presumably the laws of physics are completely different thanks to the whims of plot device-- Professor X’s Entity-self has the ability to alter reality with a snap of the fingers, while in our universe he’s only an orgasm-inducing mind-reader and susceptible to naked ghost-wrestling on the astral plane.

I truly feel for Jackson Guice and Bob Wiacek (Kelley Jones is in there somewhere, too), because they draw their asses off in the service of this mess.  Starships and superheroes, exploding planets and naked ghosts.  As far as Michael Golden impersonations go, this is one of the better ones.  And for their efforts, they get to illustrate the last couple of pages which consist of characters standing around like a bunch of idiots while Professor X fills their heads with a huge wheelbarrow-full of complete horse shit.  This lets the poor readers know what they just witnessed because it doesn't make much sense otherwise and the writers need to wrap it all up before the page count runs out.

Marionette of the Micronauts, as confused and disappointed as anyone else, asks, “How’d we beat that all-powerful godlike pervert?” and Professor X helpfully explains, “Well, I tricked him.”  With the script already badly stressed, the seams finally come undone, groaning in protest.  And if you're wondering just how empty of substance this tedious exhibition of soft-core fetishism has been, the final proof comes with Professor X’s conclusion where he blames the whole mess on the darkness inside us all, then says words to the effect of, “It’s too bad I can’t resurrect all those micro-people I murdered or un-rape all of you, but I can’t, so let’s never speak of this incident again.”  And they never did.

I'm so very sorry to have done this to you.  Here, this will make you feel better: