Batman versus the Hulk

It ends about as you'd expect.

Hulk Cassidy and the Sundance Thing: The Early Days

Okay, actually it was just Butch and Sundance:  The Early Days without their surnames, but that didn't have enough of that pop culture fusion stupidity I enjoy so much (to the detriment of all my personal relationships).  And those two guys actually got along much better than the Hulk and the Thing.  The Hulk and the Thing are Marvel's two heavy hitters and their dust ups from the first few years of Fantastic Four are pure comic book fun.

First, you have the Thing.  A mouthy orange rock-man, the muscle and the ever-lovin' heart of the Fantastic Four.  The Thing was essentially nice.  Who the heck could hate the Thing?  Then, you have the Hulk.  In the 1960s, at least for a time, the Hulk had a command of language beyond simple statements in favor of smashing, or admonishments to puny humans to leave him alone.  He was an anti-hero hearkening back to Marvel's early years when they put out comics where Namor would show up pissed off for whatever reason and start tearing up the place.  Namor was the kind of dangerous character you rooted for only because he was fighting Nazis (only other Nazis root for Nazis), mad scientists or because he was like your own repressed child-id striking back at adult authority figures-- otherwise, Namor was angry specifically at you, the reader, for existing on land.  It's a similar story with the Hulk and Space Age-era Communists and outright villains.

With two opposing forces like these in a single comic book universe, it was only a matter of time before they clashed.  And clash they did in Fantastic Four #12 (March 1963) by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and inks by Dick Ayers, from those fabled days when Kirby hadn't yet settled on the correct number of fingers and toes for the Hulk.  In this issue, the Jade Giant flaunts three of each, plus opposable thumbs for a grand total of fourteen digits.  Strangely enough, the same number sported by the Thing.  That's okay, because there's at least one instance of Mr. Fantastic showing six on one hand in a later issue.

The story opens with the Thing looking natty in a tux, out on the town with his girlfriend Alicia Masters.  Within moments, things take a tragi-comic turn as they frequently do in this old Marvel stories-- soldiers on the alert for the Hulk cause a scene, an old man accidentally pokes the Thing, the Thing reacts angrily, attracts the attention of the soldiers, there's a fight as a result of mistaken identity and the Thing is publicly humiliated once again.  Why the soldiers are out looking for the Hulk is obvious-- he's a destructive menace. But why their officers sent them out without first briefing them on what the Hulk's actual appearance is something neither Stan Lee nor Jack Kirby care to explain.  And if being mistaken for a green monster in purple pants isn't pathetic enough for our orange monster in blue pants, the Thing also forgets his key to the Fantastic Four's special elevator and has to climb up the cables to get home.

None other than General "Thunderbolt" Ross (oddly appearing in an army uniform rather than one from the USAF) then comes to the Baxter Building to recruit the team to fight the Hulk for him.  To prove the Hulk's existence, Ross screens some top secret film footage of the Hulk in action, which causes the testosterone-laden male heroes-- including ostensibly mature older genius Reed Richards-- to act out their fantasies of single-handedly defeating the Hulk, while lone female Sue Storm frets about her uselessness.  At least until the men decide she's good "for morale."  Guess the Thing isn't the only one meeting with humiliation this fine evening.

The issue features the debut of a new whiz-wagon for the gang, the Fantasticar redesigned in-story by Johnny Storm, and featuring one of the many meta-moments Lee and Kirby inserted into the book in those days-- supposedly fans of the team wrote in complaining that the old Fantasticar looked too much like a flying bathtub.  The new one is a sleek Kirby creation that gives Ross a military-industrial complex boner.  The five rocket to the western desert and fight's on.

The Hulk is actually a big green herring as it turns out-- the real villain is someone called "the Wrecker" (a likely name) who sabotages our American way of life for his Commie overlords.  I don't want to spoil the story's big secret, but the Wrecker turns out to be the guy with the membership card in a communist subversive organization right there in his wallet.  Great detective work there, Rick Jones.  This leaves the Thing wondering out loud, "Just what the heck was I fighting the Hulk for?"  No reason, really, other then the very coolness of Thing versus Hulk, Thing!  Oh, and advertising for another hero even if his own title flopped.  In their first bout, our boys seem pretty evenly matched, and it's useless Sue Storm who manages to knock out the Wrecker and save the day for everyone.  Never underestimate Sue, fellas.  The Hulk, weakened by a laser beam, gives up and slinks away to fight another day.  So after all that, we don't even get a definitive answer to the question of which hero is muscle supreme in the Marvel universe.

That is until a year later when Marvel published Fantastic Four #25 and 26 (April and May 1964 with George Roussos on inks this time, credited as George Bell), a story so big it sprawls over two complete issues and involves practically every other Marvel hero of the time.  I'm guessing it was Lee who crammed all the hyperbolic copy onto the cover of #25, the Man at his carnival barker's best.  This is the kind of stuff I've come to associate with the feeling of reading Marvel comics from the 60s and 70s-- a relentless barrage of overblown propaganda, indoctrinating the readers in the Mighty Marvel Mindset with phrases like "PULSE-POUNDING" and "SENSES-SHATTERING" (as if the latter was even remotely desirable).  This time the Fantastic Four don't have to go hunting the Hulk-- the big green galoot himself turns up in New York City because he's angry at the Avengers for booting him in favor of Captain America.

I can't blame the Avengers.  Who would you rather have on your team anyway-- a rational, intelligent strategist with acrobatic fighting skills and years of war-time experience, or an overly-sensitive rage-aholic with the strength to flatten entire cities?  No, you can't choose both.  Now imagine how well the Hulk takes your decision and you can see the problem this dilemma presents.  As if a vengeful Hulk weren't enough, the FF are fighting amongst themselves as well because the Thing refuses to drink Reed's newest cure for his condition-- which apparently was such a lab accident Reed doubts he can re-create it.  Shortly after that, Reed abruptly collapses into a coma and everyone is screwed.  The Hulk gives the remaining Fantastics a thorough thumping of the kind world champ Sonny Liston received from 22-year-old Muhammad Ali roughly a month before this issue hit the newsstands.  The Human Torch ends up in the hospital and Sue poops out when the Hulk's strength severely taxes her relatively-new invisible forcefield powers.  This leaves the Thing to fight alone, which he does for most of the issue until the Hulk finally grinds him down.

Never having been defeated outright before, the Thing spends a moment questioning his purpose in the world.  But he figures it out-- as a hero, his job is to take any beating necessary, even if he fails or dies as a result.  Once again, it's the Thing doing the world's dirty work, overmatched and underappreciated, a lone man against impossible odds and, unlike Liston, he decides to come out of his corner at the bell.

While poignantly scripted by Lee, this is Kirby storytelling, a moment where his contributions as a full-fledged writer-- not simply co-plotter and certainly not merely penciller-- breaks through most obviously.  You can't help but feel Kirby working autobiographically here, concerns of an intensely personal nature filtering through the fat line screens of the 1960s four-color printing process.  So characteristically Kirby is it, he'd return to it again and again-- most memorably in "The Death Wish of Terrible Turpin" from New Gods #8 (April 1972), but also as a running subtext to the entirety of his run on Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth.

Together, Lee and Kirby develop this theme over the course of #26, where we see Richards attempting to come off his sickbed to help the Thing and the Human Torch flying back into the fray despite being decked out in asbestos bandages from the beating he took in the previous issue.  Captain America shows a lot of the heroic stuff Kirby-style as he uses judo he learned in the Army against the Hulk, even though he knows he's involved in a massive weight-class mismatch.  So Captain America proves himself as an Avenger, but it's the Thing's example that inspires him and provides the story's beating heart.

It's a fairly funny story as well, and I don't mean just inadvertently (for example, when the Hulk calls his weaker alter-ego "Bob" Banner for some reason-- we'll cut him some slack; he has a lot on his mind what with needing to file for unemployment and all that).  At one point the Thing threatens to use his powers of pathos against the Hulk.  My favorite sequence has the Hulk hijack a subway train and drive it to the Avengers' mansion.  Kirby treats us to a sweet shot of a mopey Hulk at the controls which  reminds me a lot of that Shaquille O'Neal commercial where he's too large for a sporty convertible.  I'm pretty sure Lee and Kirby got a huge kick out of tossing in this particular scene.

Speaking of the Avengers, they finally make the scene and flub their fight against the Hulk because there are just too many costumed clowns running around.  It gets worse when the fully recovered Fantastic Four pitch in, and then the two teams start a jurisdictional squabble.  Reed Richards suggest the Thing decide whether or not the two teams join forces since he's the one who's been doing most of the fighting and carrying the story on his rocky shoulders.

The Hulk and the Thing come together atop an under-construction building and trade blows.  Teenager Rick Jones pulls a Sue Storm and saves the day by tossing a gamma pill into the Hulk's mouth.  The Hulk falls into the river, but it's Bruce Banner its currents sweep away.

Two complete issues probably seemed overblown in 1964, but in our current era of drawn-out, marketing-driven storytelling I'm amazed how economically Lee and Kirby run through this plot.  Today's version would require an editor's meeting of a dozen or more thinkers to plan it (they'd spread it over an entire summer's or even a year's worth of titles priced at $2.99 or $3.99 each, interrupting whatever storylines the various writers have going), feature some supposedly-beloved secondary character like Rick Jones having his arms ripped off on-panel (the blog-o-sphere goes wild!) and climax in an over-sized special edition.  Entertainment Weekly would give it a B+ and declare it "the superhero epic of the season" while praising it for the repeated flashbacks to Bruce Banner's abusive childhood.  They'd also go nuts over the photo-realistic art, consisting mainly of pages of wide panels stacked broken by frequent full-body portraits of various involved characters, all of which would quickly show up in online auctions with hefty price-tags.

Lee and Kirby neatly pack it all into two standard-sized issues, minus any hint of gore but with plenty of action and characterization.  It also lacks today's trendy Joss Whedon-style dialogue where every character is a quip-making machine, but apologizes by having the Thing call Thor a "lantern-jawed, long-haired lummox."

And yes, Sue, no one was injured.  Except the Thing and your brother, Johnny (twice!).  And probably Iron Man when the Hulk head-butted him right in the chest.

Earth bombarded with gamma rays in the 8th century, widespread Hulkism resulted

Apparently, two black holes collided way back in the 8th century and showered our little planet with gamma rays.  That finally explains the thousands of over-sized and oddly-proportioned human skeletons archaeologists have found over the years after excavating cemeteries of that era.  After careful study, scientists now report these roughly 1200-year-old skeletons appeared to be from individuals suffering from some kind of intermittent gigantism, possibly triggered by rage or other stress factors.

"These findings are incredible," Dr. Jacob Kurtzberg of the Thousand Oaks Institute of Medieval Studies, said at a press conference early Thursday.

His colleage, Dr. Stanley M. Lieber, added, "Frankly, we marvel at this new understanding of a crucial era in the development of European culture.  For example, it was during this period we noted the use of larger stones in architecture.  Previously we assumed this was due to advances in technology, but now we think they might have been the result of good old-fashioned muscle power."

Kurtzberg and Lieber then agreed that such gamma ray-induced gigantism might have rendered the individuals' skin a strange, unearthly coloration, such as gray, red or even green.  The scientists added that further research would be needed, as well as finding more well-preserved bodies with skin and muscle tissue remaining.

"I would also expect that tissue to be denser, much denser, than that of contemporaries who were unaffected by the rays," Kurtzberg said before lighting a large cigar and returning to work.

Lieber remained at the press conference for several hours, regaling reporters with stories of how he, Kurtzberg and several other scientists, each of whom he identified with an inventive, sometimes rhyming nickname, pieced together the stories of these hulking medieval people and their lives before closing the event with an obscure Latin word.

The Hulk has been spotted in Japan, called "incredible"

Yeah, it's a guy in a Hulk mask.  You have to scroll down a little and it helps if you can read Japanese.  Is it just me or is there something of a Mark Ruffalo likeness to it?

Here's another of my doodles...

If only I could draw!

Hulk NOT confused: A guest editorial

By The Incredible Hulk

Hello!  This Hulk!  Keyboard puny not good for Hulks fingers and Hulk careful not to smash but Hulk find it difficult.  But also Hulk has important thing to tell reader of this blog.  Hulk hear one person read this blog.  Hulk sorry for this person.  Hulk want say find better use for your time but Hulk know not everyone have taste in reading material.  Why adult read picture book for little kid then write about it for all to see instead of hiding fact in shame?  Hulk think he must have screw loose!

Dont worry Hulk not snob.  Hulk read Stephen King on toilet.  King no artist with words but can tell story. Hulk once read part of Tom Clancy book but put it down because bad dialogue.  Point is Hulk was willing to try and not pass judgment before reading.  Puny blogger here can only run puny mouth about things blogger only guess at and not know.  Hulk hate blogger!

Ok now Hulk have to explain something.  Recently big movie with Hulk in it come out.  There have been other movies with Hulk. Eric Bana he good in Chopper.  Edward Norton he good in Fight Club.  Hulk think human can make good Hulk movie with them as Banner.  Hulk wrong.  But Hulk get no money from them.  Hulk get no money from this one.  Hulk think to smash movie producers but Hulk too busy.  So much smashing so little time.  It old story one Hulk sure you understand.  Hulk like Mark Ruffalo though.  Did you see Zodiac?  Hulk enjoy Zodiac where Ruffalo play police man.  Hulk often fight police army navy air force what have you.  If it wear uniform and have gun Hulk fight it.  Always puny humans in uniforms hound Hulk with their weak guns.  That is why.  But Ruffalo okay guy in Hulks book.  So Hulk think this movie okay.

Hulk lose train of Hulks thought.  What Hulk mean to talk about here is this drawing stupid blogger human make of Hulk.  Hulk hear of this from Thing during fight where Hulk and Thing wreck part of Yancy Street.  Hulk interested.  Hulk beat Thing!  HULK ALWAYS BEAT THING!  THING NOT SMART CHALLENGE HULK!  THING NOT SMART TO MAKE FUN OF HULK USING BAD PICTURE BY PUNY HUMAN!

Where Hulk?  Oh yeah.  Hulk beat Thing senseless with Things own foot then leave Thing remember what Thing tell him about picture  smash open Internet cafe look online and find this stupid blog.  Who this person think Hulk?  Hulk know who Maria Hill is stupid worthless human!  You are puny!  Hulk find person.  Hulk say why you make stupid drawing?  Person say I dont know.  Hulk say you stop lying about Hulk!  Humans always lie about Hulk!  Wont leave Hulk alone!

Hulk say Maria Hill work for SHIELD.  Maria Hill important in many events happen to Captain America and Iron Man.  Blogger say it news to him.  He not know that when he make drawing and not know why he kept thinking of name.  See?  Stupid blogger not know who Maria Hill is try to pin ignorance on Hulk.  But Hulk strongest there is!  Make Hulk angry and Hulk gets stronger.  Make blogger angry and blogger turns red in face and wets pants.  It almost make Hulk laugh but really it sad.  Hulk wonder what happened to human discourse.

So Hulk tell person he should feel bad for lying about Hulk and for fooling people who look for good picture of Hulk.  Hulk say you tell them not to look at your picture!  There better pictures of Hulk for them to look at.  Looking at pictures of Hulk is good thing good for the heart.  But not this one.  It bad for Blogger persons health.  Blogger person say Hulk you tell your side of story.  One person read blog.  Chance this person have family or maybe talk to other puny humans at some point in the future.  Maybe even have job where maybe talk about Hulk sometime even if no one listen it still get in their brains.  Hulk think.  Thinking not Hulks strong point but finally Hulk decide puny human blogger have good idea!  Now Hulk finished telling Hulks side.  HULKS SIDE ONLY SIDE!

You go outside.  Enjoy day.  Dont read picture book for little children.  If you do dont write about it like this person.

Another Batgirl-based sketchbook page...

I drew this with that same Kuretake Fudegokochi brush pen I used for the previous Cassandra Cain/Batgirl sketchbook pages, but I colored it with Copic Ciao art markers.  The paper didn't fit on the scanbed, so Batgirl's legs got cut off.  But the Hulk still has his Charles Bronson pec/shoulder tattoo.  That's something, isn't it?

Back when she was Batgirl...

Here's another sketchbook page.  I seem to draw Cassandra Cain, Supergirl and the Hulk pretty often. I did this freehand with a Kuretake Fudegokochi brush pen on a sheet of marker paper.  Batgirl on the left is apparently pitching some kind of fit; she's really angry about something.  The center Batgirl shows a zen-like calm, but I'm not sure about the weird feathery line I gave her shadowed areas.  What inspired that?  The Hulk looms overhead like something she's dreaming.  The way I attached his hand to his beefy wrist isn't really working.  And then there's a cheerful, freckle-faced Supergirl with goofed-up shoulders.  All that modeling I did on her right side (left to us!) was my attempt at emulating the awesome Nick Cardy; it came out vaguely Dr. Seussian, though.

Cass is in her DC Batgirl suit rather than the one I made up for her.  Slap a pointed mask on her and she's practically Black Bat.  I'm happy DC has their sales up, and I'm pretty pleased Cass will "appear in Batman, Incorporated in a very big way" along with Stephanie "Spoiler/Robin/Batgirl" Brown.  Whether or not I'll bother to read it is another story.  The overall aesthetic of what they're doing these days just doesn't interest me and I find I can't really get excited about it, and we're always a year or two away from a new universe-changing Crisis.  I'll be in Japan where American monthlies are hard to come by, but maybe I'll download a digital copy of Batman, Incorporated from DC when Cass reappears.  Then again, maybe I'll forget.